Fragments of You & a Glass of Pinot (11:38 pm)

[Tim J Brennan]

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[Colm Roe]

Very cliched opening S.
Then the middle stanzas make amends in spades.
Final S unfortunately drops back to cliche.
Love S4.

[Tim J Brennan]

Very cliched opening S.
Then the middle stanzas make amends in spades.
Final S unfortunately drops back to cliche.
Love S4.

3 out of 5, Colm. Would make a fortune playing baseball.

[indar]

I would love to see the moon shards and crystals forming on the windows even more conflated as if it involves some metaphysical cause and effect. Dust, IMO has no place in the imagery. I believe it is meant to convey the formation and then loss of crystal imagery as an analogy for the coming and going of the object of the poem but it doesn't quite work. The final S is kind of abstract---it feels tossed-off as if it had to end somehow.

[Tim J Brennan]

I would love to see the moon shards and crystals forming on the windows even more conflated as if it involves some metaphysical cause and effect. Dust, IMO has no place in the imagery. I believe it is meant to convey the formation and then loss of crystal imagery as an analogy for the coming and going of the object of the poem but it doesn't quite work. The final S is kind of abstract---it feels tossed-off as if it had to end somehow.

Sounds like Colm is over here and you are over there, as far as dust.

But you both don't like the end, so I can see editing or cutting that.

[indar]

Oh I think Colm and I agree on most of those middle stanzas. its the dust and sun that took me to some desert outpost for a moment.

[Tim J Brennan]

Oh I think Colm and I agree on most of those middle stanzas. its the dust and sun that took me to some desert outpost for a moment.

Thanks, but that leaves only two. Better than none though I'll keep looking & editing here.

[indar]

If, every time you post a poem, you listen to what everyone says you will become a master of the 2-word poem

[Tim J Brennan]

If, every time you post a poem, you listen to what everyone says you will become a master of the 2-word poem

Me, we

by Muhammed Ali

It's the only one I know by anyone remotely famous.

I make edits but only if there is a consensus among posters. Some folks suggest things w/o giving things much thought. The "I think it sounds better..." type thinking or the "I'd write it this way" logic is pointless. I'll listen to a valid reason.

[Marc Gilbert]

The opening stanza feels like a false start. The poem develops nicely thereafter. Also, recommend chucking a couple gerunds to give the verbs in stanzas 2 & 3 a little more oomph:

much like single words bearing
abstract ideas, or how memories reflect

on a mid-December evening and blending
like crystal on the outside

Just some thoughts.