Her Incidental Garden

[Marc Gilbert]

She deserves more credit than is given.
Day in, day out, 
she minds and tends her garden—
green things and pink,
slow to sprout and blossom.

Time proves no deterrent,
nor sweat a burden.
The effort seems an end, 
the outcome incidental.

[Matty11]

Enjoyed this Marc. Not sure why she deserves more credit, but I recognise her motivation. I wonder if that opening judgement is needed?

best

phil

[Marc Gilbert]

Thanks, Phil, nice spot. Think the line popped first and then the poem went another way. Like the rhythm of it. I'll play around till I can come up with something better.  Appreciate it.

marc

[Dave]

Hi Marc
The first line  makes sense if seen in light of lines 6&7 but the link is tenuous. Besides the first line is overwritten - she deserves more credit already containes the idea of 'than is given' making it redundant. Later in the Poem, the word 'effort' is also a Little heavy for the Poem to carry. Perhaps some stronger sense of the giving irrespective of the reward would help the poem's intent.
Dave 

[Marc Gilbert]

Hi Marc
The first line  makes sense if seen in light of lines 6&7 but the link is tenuous. Besides the first line is overwritten - she deserves more credit already containes the idea of 'than is given' making it redundant. Later in the Poem, the word 'effort' is also a Little heavy for the Poem to carry. Perhaps some stronger sense of the giving irrespective of the reward would help the poem's intent.
Dave 

Awesome stuff, thanks for the help, Dave.

[Dansinger]

Yes, that first line. I can easily understand why she deserves more credit, but the line itself feels vastly different from the rest of the poem, and therefore, feels out of place. I think if you'd just ditch it, you'd be left with a very fine poem indeed. Anyone who can read between the lines will see that she deserves respect. It doesn't need to be said.

[indar]

Some famous writer wrote a book I once read at some time--don't remember details except the stand-out comments I took away regarding the attribution of sources. "She deserves more credit than she is given" is the sort of thing he discussed. It raises the question---given by whom? how does the credit fall short--what exactly is being said by these mysterious credit withholders? The author then switched to an explanation of how pernicious such language becomes. "It is said the congressman was being dishonest...." 

Not saying of course that poetry will ever become pernicious

I think the poem stands as a analogy for devotion to long term goals without the first line. But if the poem is more about the lack of understanding re her devotion by family or neighbors or whatever that needs to be developed.

 

[Tim J Brennan]

"incidental" is a good word for a true gardener. Second nature, methinks. I assume you are an observer and not a participant. I appreciate you "trying" to understand her "credit" (first line doesn't bother me in the slightest...see my previous sentence) but only the true gardener knows it's the process, not the result.

Folks who don't garden only look at the result.

Good poem. Good read.

[Marc Gilbert]

Thanks Tim,

Here's a minor revision:

She deserves more credit than I give her.
Day in, day out, 
she minds and tends her garden—
green things and pink,
slow to sprout and blossom.

Time proves no deterrent,
nor sweat a burden.
The effort seems an end, 
the outcome incidental.

[Tracy Mitchell]

Hi Marc -

What nice poem. I really like the craftsmanship evident in the lines.
My two cents is replace your title with "She Deserves More Credit", and then cut the first line. The second line seems a more interesting line with which to launch the poem.

As always, use or lose.

T