Supper (revision)

[TrevorConway]

Hi Phil,

I enjoyed this. Good, original theme for a poem, and it feels well-realised, quite complete. I think the title could be improved on, as it feels a bit bland. Not saying bland/simple titles aren't sometimes perfect; just feels off to me in this case. The only alternatives coming to mind are "Supper & Succour" or "Chip Butty" (the latter is simple in this context, but if I saw it as a title in a collection of poems, I'd immediately be drawn to me. I mean, a poem about chip butties...how could I resist?)

A few comments/changes below. Take what you will from it.

Cheers for the enjoyable read,

Trev

The rights and wrongs went on
[for far] too long. You[,] being ill[,]
ended the healing con [Not mad on "healing con". Even "grand con" sounds better, and the next line gets across what you mean, or you could say "of healing foods]
[Don't see the need for the line break here or elsewhere. Try it as a one-verse poem as well?]
of super foods.

It's [simply] butter spread on bread
and salted chips [stuffed] to fill[,]
[delete: and] ketchup with no dread

in butty time. [The last 2 lines let the poem down, I think. They feel dominated by the need to rhyme]

A teenage thrill[,] this taste:
if happiness [is apt to] kill[,]
[delete: then] was this life a waste?

[Matty11]

hi Trev

Thanks for that wealth of options. I've tried most of them in a revision. I'll have s ponder over a title... that is not off putting to our cousins

cheers for that

Phil