Keeping Count

[Marc Gilbert]

As you see, there is a penalty to be paid for following my advice.

I'm sorry, did you say something, I was distracted by your everchanging avatar.

[Tom]

I recall a newbie at MWC responded to a negative comment with 'That's okay if you don't like my poem, I have a lot more."

Same with my avatars.  

[Mark]

Re-reading this... quietly beautiful piece. I also prefer V1, but I like V2's ending more...

[indar]

I keep rereading this not knowing what it is that bothers me. At last I have identified it--its the use of the word "we". It would read so much better to me if the poem were written in first person singular. I, for instance, have never counted breaths or tears. I understand that you don't mean the counting to be taken literally but still... And it would be so much more intimate I it were written with "I". I would definitely be drawn in rather than questioning the truth of the poem as it applies to me. The central message is appealing and I like the revision.

[Marc Gilbert]

I keep rereading this not knowing what it is that bothers me. At last I have identified it--its the use of the word "we". It would read so much better to me if the poem were written in first person singular. I, for instance, have never counted breaths or tears. I understand that you don't mean the counting to be taken literally but still... And it would be so much more intimate I it were written with "I". I would definitely be drawn in rather than questioning the truth of the poem as it applies to me. The central message is appealing and I like the revision.

Thank you, this poem need a rework and I'll be lifting this suggestion for sure.