Advice to My Widow Following My Fatal Kayak Accident

[Tracy Mitchell]

Thanks for the read and comments, Qwerty.

And yes, sometimes it is hard to keep in mind that a poem's Speaker, or Narrator (N) is not the author of the poem, or doesn't have to be. It is always best to assume they are not the same.

But then, you already knew that.

T

[Deb]

Hi Tracy!

Your poem was not at all what I expected and I found it delightfully, cleverly morbid.
The title brought me right in and the substance did not disappoint. I had to read it twice before I realized just how clever it is. I felt like I went through an entire mystery in a short span of words. Fun. 
 

[Tracy Mitchell]

Hello Deb!
This is my full bodied welcome back! I am glad you enjoyed the poem - it was fun to write.

Hope your schedule allows more frequent cameos here.

T

[TrevorConway]

Hi Tracy,

Nice idea, and well-worked towards the end especially, for me. So, the presence of the money means that the speaker didn't fake his/her death, I take it, that the wife knows for sure that he/she is dead.

I found the poem was waning by the time I got to the puff-cloud afternoon (which is a nice phrase for such a commplace thing, by the way). It just felt a bit too "listy" to me, which always makes things feel monotonous, though I know plenty of people like list-based poems. 

Anyway, I like the thrillerish feeling towards the end, but it's cut short very quickly. How bout making this into more of a thriller? It's something we generally don't see in poetry, and you've set it up here to potentially work in what could be quite an innovative way. I'd suggest cutting the preamble down a good bit and getting to the clouds in half the time: 

Wipe my hard drive and burn my papers.

Take my clothes to the Thrift Store
from whence they came.

Take the best offer for the Studebaker
and put the proceeds into Uber credit.

And when[,] some puff-cloud afternoon[,]
you look toward the mountains,
[Delete: your gaze lingers - "linger" is a poetry cliche, I think] and curiosity gets the best of you

climb the ladder in my shop to the shelf above the rafters.
If there remains in a DeWalt zipper bag
four bundles of cash and my passport
then you know for sure...

Then, how about giving elaborate instructions on how to meet up with the speaker if she doesn't find the bag of money/the speaker isn't actually dead? It could also give details on what to do if authorities get suspicious, etc. Hence, the thrillerish feel.

[Tracy Mitchell]

Geez Trevor -- what a tremendous idea.   I love it.  You are right on all points, I think, and this could be excellent fun.  

Your suggested edits are right-on as well.  

Glad I logged on. 

T

[Dave]

Hi Tracy
Keep it simple would be my advice. The poem is clear and leads to a very definite endpoint. The intrigue come from: a) that there is a bag of money and b) why the uncertainty about it still being there? In other words, the alive or dead issue is a side track or could potentially be a cliche. Rather where did the mpney come from and where might it go?

IMO what would be interesting would be a second chaper concerning the wife's reaction to this rather extraordinary wish list and the surprise bag.
A poem that opens up many possibilities.
Dave

 

[Deb]

Thank you for the warm welcome back, Tracy.

IMO what would be interesting would be a second chapter concerning the wife's reaction to this rather extraordinary wish list and the surprise bag.
A poem that opens up many possibilities.
Dave

 

That's a great idea, Dave.

The same story from a few angles. The neighbor who loaned her favorite thing or is waiting for a repair of an item from the newly departed, the police, the insurance investigator, other kayakers.

Every limb I see is a leg ...

Now, I've gone too far.

Tracy, you could pull it off with ease. Comedy, mystery, mix them up?

~Deb

[Gyppo]

Tracy,

I would advocate not 'tinkering' anymore with the existing poem.  But writing a 'companion poem' or two based around the same theme from different viewpoints could be fun.

I was tempted to play with the theme myself.  Please forgive me...

=====

The De Walt bag waits in vain
on the high shelf, with four rolls of cash,
my passport, and a Venezuelan visa.
Hidden behind three paint cans,
whilst I hang upside down,
pinned with my kayak
against a 'strainer'.

My 'dummy run' has turned real.
The River Gods are purists,
and have no respect for fake suicides.

Gyppo