Red Sled

[Matty11]

revision

We stand in awe. Our cardboard
snowboarding a joke -
she is laughing at us clowns.

Her blades inscribe the hillside,
insist on the steepest route -
speed writes her fate.

She tumbles and rolls, body
cradled into the snowman.
The lads race to help, cursing -

their black ribbons of words
blaspheme the stillness -
a caw of crows in snow.

Only I am still, warming
inside like this snowman. Silently
we score her the perfect ten.


original

We stand in awe.
Our cardboard sledges a joke -
she is laughing at us clowns.

Her blades script the hillside,
insist on the steepest route -
speed writes her fate.

She tumbles and rolls, body
cradled into the snowman.
The lads race to help, cursing -

their black ribbons of words
blaspheme the stillness -
a caw of crows in snow.

Only I am still, warming
inside like this snowman. Silently
we score her a perfect ten.

[Tracy Mitchell]

Real nice poem. Lots of memories it draws upon for me. "Sledges" is a new word I needed to look up, I didn't fit it to this context. Must be a UK thing.

'script' > scribe or inscribe? just asking.

Thanks for posting.

T

[Sharon Leigh]

Oh I adore this! V fun and sweet, nostalgic. S4 is fantastic. Love the whole, the poem a perfect ten too along w our sledding heroine

Much enjoyed!
Best,
Sharon

[Matty11]

Thanks Sharon and Tracy.

'script' > scribe or inscribe? just asking.

I was trying to convey the parallel of a playwright scripting a scene. The word sounded 'speedy' Not sure.

Sledges" is a new word I needed to look up, I didn't fit it to this context. Must be a UK thing.

Could be. I'll try something else.

I think it's going to be fun here.

best

Phil

[Kate]

I, too, really enjoyed this!

I especially liked, "a caw of crows in snow" and "Silently
we score her a perfect ten."

All these snow poems ... maybe this 30+ temperature will start to feel more inviting.

Kate

[Matty11]

All these snow poems ... maybe this 30+ temperature will start to feel more inviting.

30+ That's a long-haul flight...

Thanks Kate

best

Phil

[Marc Gilbert]

Phil,

There are so many great lines in this poem and S2 is a standout among gems. We need some clunkers to pick on. This one doesn't qualify.

If I were to suggest anything it would be to drop "perfect" from the last line. A 10 is perfect, and the shorter line would give it a bit more punch.

Marc

[indar]

I so liked the sound of "script" in context I have been trying to think of ways you could keep it. The act of writing a script could indicate the story of her descent down the hill. Could "scripting" be used as a verb?

[Matty11]

Thanks Indar and Marc.

A 10 is perfect

I was feeling the 'perfect' was exact to the voice rather than exact. It references the film. I feel you're right on the 'punch'.

I so liked the sound of "script" in context I have been trying to think of ways you could keep it. The act of writing a script could indicate the story of her descent down the hill. Could "scripting" be used as a verb?

I felt so too - she writes the script for the scene - but I do like Tracy's suggestion and it gives the inscribe/insist thread. I guess one to lie for a while.

best

Phil