Brotherhood

[avwhis6466]

Everyday
I walk the same
path through rows of
spared Christmas trees.
I step gently on their toes
as I did to my father’s
long ago, when I was
young and he was
teaching me how
to dance.

Today,
the lone oak
at the end of the row
whispered to me,
“Each leaf breathes
a memory of a man.
This one was lost
on the battlefield,
his body hollow
and spent like the shell
casings around him.
And, this one, here,
across the same branch,
this one breathes for another —
this one breathes for his brother,
this one breathes the memory
of the man who killed him.”

The next morning,
I notice the oak has
birthed a new bud.
Everyday I walk
the same path,
and everyday the path
is not the same.

[Mark Hoffmann]

Very nice. 

[avwhis6466]

Very nice. 

Thank you, Mark! Thanks for reading.

[indar]

Another sensitive and beautiful piece from you Anna. Your poems and the sub-themes are gentle and forgiving. I believe we are seeing more of this in current writing and other art forms as a counter to more disturbing cultural trends. Keep the faith.

[lshmael]

Hi av, I really enjoyed your poem. I think the imagery and metaphors contrast each other very nicely. Also, the blend of reality and fantasy is very pleasant. I think a shorter or more condensed version could be interesting. Thanks for sharing.

[avwhis6466]

Thanks Indar and Ishmael! Will mull over the length and see if I can cut to the heart of the poem in fewer lines

[Tracy Mitchell]

Hi Anna,


This a strong poem draft, with a few rough spots.  S. 2 is particularly good. Your poems are so good to read.  

My observations of this poem, for whatever they’re worth–

I am confused by the opening.  I am not getting the scene just right.  “Spared” Christmas trees sound like those not sold by Christmas time, which makes me wonder why they are still in rows and not just carted away. [“Spared” may not the right word anyway, as when it becomes a Christmas Tree it has been cut and will not survive in any event].  I am not sure how the oak tree is in with the Christmas trees.  

This is starting to sound more critical than I intend, and I wonder whether it might be profitable to simply delete from Stanza #1, Line 4 the words “spare Christmas”.   The fact of trees being  Christmas trees seems distracting from the progression of the poem.

I am also  fuzzy about the image of trees’ toes.  What are we referring to?  This is a small bump for me, as I see where you are going with this.  But I thought I’d mention it.

The image of N's feet on his toes when he teaches her to dance is wonderful.  This blends so well with the notion of leaves breathing the memory of men – an outstandingly poetic notion, by the way.

S.1 L.6 – it would sit better to my ear (and instant understanding) to end the line with “toes” rather than leaving it implied.

S.1 L 7-10 –  

long ago, when I was
young and he was
teaching me how 
to dance.

how about:

when he taught me
how to dance.

I think this still conveys the long ago aspect as the Narrator sharing a childhood memory.

S.2 starts with “Today”, which make the “next morning” of S.3 problematic.  If S.2 starts with Yesterday, then S.3 can start with “This morning”.  Just saying.

I would suggest that you consider some minor pruning of S.2.  
L.2 – the lone oak > a lone oak (reducing by one the number of uses of ‘the’) 
L.6 - consider replacing the end-line period with an m-dash and then in L.7 – consider deleting 'this' and 'was'.

L.10 –11 spent like the shell / casings around him > spent like shell casings

L.12 > delete

L.26 > replace “the” with “a”

My other comment about S.2 concerns the extended quote of the tree's whispering.  Rather than quote marks, it could work if you simply italicized the tree-quote text.  Either is permissible, but I would suggest you take a look at what visually strikes you better.

S.3 L.2 – delete “I notice” and start the stanza with “The oak . . .”  The operative fact is that the oak births a new bud rather than the N. noticing it.   

Finally, I would suggest considering whether to end the poem with the close of S.3 L.3.  It would give it a little subtler ending, but perhaps not what you want.  If not, then consider line-breaking lines 4 and 5 to mirror the poem’s opening.  Or vice versa.  

Lovely thoughts, lovely poem, and well presented.

Again, these are just my thoughts - feel free to toss whether does not strike you as helpful

Cheers.

T
 

[avwhis6466]

Hi Tracy,

The deep thought and the detail you offer in your responses are so sincerely appreciated.

Regarding the opening, the idea is a memory from a place where I used to live. It was a sprawling 25-acre property that had in a past life been a Christmas tree farm. By the time I moved in, the trees had formed a mostly pine forest, towering about 40-feet tall and still in the rows in which they were planted long ago. I can see the confusion, though, the way it was stated. Many think of Christmas trees as specimens on a lot, already plucked out of the ground. In my head, their roots are the “toes.” Also, the idea of them being spared I thought had a little tie to the lost souls or “brothers” who were not spared, but perhaps the first stanza detracts more than it adds to the poem.

I will look over the rest of your comments on this poem as well as the others. Thank you again!

Anna

[indar]

https://vimeo.com/ondemand/intelligenttrees/181082721



Something mystical about tall stands of pines. I am a tree hugger overall. I understood the "spared tree" reference and the roots as the toes and love the little girl/father dance relationship.