Attempted alternative
Amazed
I cease to barrel headlong.
Stop, watch
an ant haul a beetle through sand
as they are wont to do.
Later I kick bed clothes away
let my skin cool into the night
until I draw you closer, feel
your thoughts seep into my breathing.
Original
Amaze
my mind has ceased to barrel headlong
given this gift
this ant hauling a beetle through sand
driven by zeal.
I do cry still at simple generosity,
astonished people care
folding and unfolding themselves
and their better valour and worst doubt
as I do at night wrapped in bed clothes
then kicked free of entrapment
as I cool and warm to life and its wonders.
Welcome to The Tangled Branch! Join us.
Amaze
Re: Amaze
Dave,
I really love this poem. The first seven lines are absolutely perfect. I get foggy at "and their better valour and worst doubt." I think it is a little vague/lofty. Maybe you could be more specific as you are with the rest of the lines.
The last lines are just as perfect as the first lines. Great analogy: "wrapped in bed clothes
then kicked free of entrapment." I can relate to the night entanglement.
And I especially love "as I cool and warm to life and its wonders." Very succinctly written with excellent word choice.
Kate
I really love this poem. The first seven lines are absolutely perfect. I get foggy at "and their better valour and worst doubt." I think it is a little vague/lofty. Maybe you could be more specific as you are with the rest of the lines.
The last lines are just as perfect as the first lines. Great analogy: "wrapped in bed clothes
then kicked free of entrapment." I can relate to the night entanglement.
And I especially love "as I cool and warm to life and its wonders." Very succinctly written with excellent word choice.
Kate
Re: Amaze
Hey Kate
Thanks for the comments. First of all, I am happy that anyone at all is here on the sight. Secondly, I am delighted to see you back here again it has been a long while. Thirdly, I ma so happy you like the poem and totally in agreement about the weak line you picked out. That needs fixing. I hope we see your writing here very soon.
Dave
Thanks for the comments. First of all, I am happy that anyone at all is here on the sight. Secondly, I am delighted to see you back here again it has been a long while. Thirdly, I ma so happy you like the poem and totally in agreement about the weak line you picked out. That needs fixing. I hope we see your writing here very soon.
Dave
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Tracy Mitchell
- Posts: 3586
- Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:58 pm
Re: Amaze
Dave,
What a wonderful writing. I also hung up at S.4, but for perhaps different reasons. It unexpectedly departs from the engaging form of the first three stanzas. A simple change you may not like would be to substitute for S.4 L.2 these words: "as they are wont to do". That may tie the thread to the last stanza more tightly in several ways. Maybe that's not a good move, I don't know, but it is what occurred to me.
The poem is engaging on many levels.
T
What a wonderful writing. I also hung up at S.4, but for perhaps different reasons. It unexpectedly departs from the engaging form of the first three stanzas. A simple change you may not like would be to substitute for S.4 L.2 these words: "as they are wont to do". That may tie the thread to the last stanza more tightly in several ways. Maybe that's not a good move, I don't know, but it is what occurred to me.
The poem is engaging on many levels.
T