Hiraeth

[Interlace1]

Now I know 
we held each other too long 
on plinths of slate
before altars of mizzle, wind.  

Then home, cariad, 
finally, to steep
in material rains, gales
that stripped us almost to the skin 
like two tongues
in borrowed robes of saliva.

Little left on the bone
to sustain this relentless
procession of guests: 
They’re hungry, cariad, 
expectant. Cold.  

What should we tell them 
now the torrent has begun
and the logs refuse to burn 
the ethanol from our mutual breath? 

Even those in store 
are soaked to the rotten core. 
Nevertheless 
we’ve exhausted the tropes 
of this vague colonial language: 

This romance. This rain.
These endless hills. 



 

[Colm Roe]

A really nice write Luke.
It drizzles here in Ireland, but I like your mizzle; a new word for my vocab.
Also like your use of 'steep'; the longing for the mountains gives it added depth.
Not sure about the 'robes of saliva', but it's certainly a very visual image.
I'm on the fence about 'ethanol', it's a very clinical/scientific word. I assume you mean either fuel or alcohol's
diffusion. Maybe just say 'fuel' or 'alcohol' if either was meant.
Minor nits in an extremely engaging poem, sad, poignant, yet rather lovely.

[Matty11]

vague colonial language

Harsh

 'robes of saliva' and 'ethanol' challenge the reader, but perhaps that is your intention and ambition. After all the poem, in part, is an exploration of language and its limits.

I thought I'd share this read I recently found:

https://www.littletoller.co.uk/the-clea ... thy-miles/

best

Phil

[Interlace1]

Thanks both - you're right about ethanol. Perhaps I'll just go for 'booze'?!
Borrowed robes of saliva is an allusion to Maceth but I don't think it's working. Could drop this line entirely?

L

[Matty11]

Now I know 
we knelt too long 
on plinths of slate,
before altars of mizzle.

Then home, cariad, 
finally, to steep
in material rains, gales
that flailed our skin.

Little left on the bone
to sustain this relentless
procession of guests: 
They hunger, cariad, 
expectant. Chapel cold.  

What should we tell them 
now the tempest has begun
and the logs refuse to burn? 

Even those in store 
are soaked to a browning core. 
We,'ve exhausted
this vague colonial language: 

This romance. This rain.
These endless hills. 

Just some thoughts Luke.

[Interlace1]

very nice, Phil. 
Yours is certainly slicker, and I really like the browning core.
It does lose the relationship idolatry angle, though, that was the initial impetus for the poem. 
For instance, 'we held each other too long' - on a pedestal etc. 
It's that perennial question of how much to sacrifice one's intended meaning to enhance the subjective possibilities of the reader.

Thanks again, mate.

Luke

[Matty11]

Hi Luke

When writing I try to find the pulse of the poem. Writer, reader, and poem all involved. The poem's intention may differ from writer intention. Imposing the consciousness of the latter may offer a less interesting outcome than the discoveries found in the former. This comes from my belief that the subconscious holds more than the conscious. I feel this allows for more creative and nuanced experiences to offer in writing. I'll save you my waffle on observational and empathy writing. All is subjective.

Of course, I do have reader 'baggage', so my filter focus went to place/language. I was aware of the confessional, but can't say I was hooked in by it, though
I am interested in ideals'/realities. Perhaps the tropes kept me at a distance.

cheers

Phil

[Interlace1]

Very interesting, Phil. Really appreciate your time and insights here. If you don't mind I will take most of your suggestions, and gratefully. Do you think, however, 'flayed' might be better than 'flailed', given there's little left on the bone?

L

[Matty11]

'flayed' might be better than 'flailed', given there's little left on the bone?

It's an option Luke. They both thread with the assonance of rain.

Phil

[Mark]

Poetic writing. Perhaps a little too stylized for some readers but quickly establishes a certain languid tone and the piece is well-structured and communicative.
Cariad is new to me and I had to look it up - a noun of Welsh origin meaning love  - does the poem's syntax then work if love is substituted for cariad?