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Splinter

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Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Splinter

Post by Dave » Sun May 09, 2021 6:11 am

Splinter

A sliver from our ancient kitchen table
creeps beneath the milky film of my nail,
edges forward through the epidermal layers;
so far its gray shadow only mimes pain. 

I had been running my finger around knots
and rings marbled into family history
shared 
meals, laughter, words that hurt.
Not every 
moment though leaves a memory.
This coffee stain just maps a dark
 circle. 

Still, some choices demand an answer:
let the splinter burrow itself deeper
into the stratum basale,

or open up a wound, let it vent anger.


 
Last edited by Dave on Sat May 15, 2021 7:03 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Colm Roe
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Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 12:45 am

Re: Splinter

Post by Colm Roe » Sun May 09, 2021 7:22 pm

I enjoyed this explorative poem Dave.
The metaphor is strong, splinter being such a loaded word.
I could imagine the N's fingers, distracted, agitated or possibly enraged, probing the table with too much force.
The poem grows darker as it drops down the page, eventually the 'basale' (foundation, base, essence)
is pierced, a hand is forced/hard decisions to be made, suggesting extreme familial disharmony.
The last stanza is wraps it all up so well. Say nothing, or be honest and let all hell break loose! What family hasn't been there.
You obviously aren't suffering from any post NaPo fatigue, it's a damn fine poem.

Matty11
Posts: 1585
Joined: Thu Jan 11, 2018 7:58 pm

Re: Splinter

Post by Matty11 » Sun May 09, 2021 11:59 pm

Enjoyed this too Dave. Splinters and family tables are familiar devices, but I did feel the poem was more personal than artifice. The gradual working into and connecting with the past is nicely set-up in the poem. Interesting the ending uses let, the stage before the venting. I like the pyschological of that, as if the outcome is still unresolved, on that edge. Perhaps, to use a 'm', the anger will remain muted (that could be reader bias, anger is such a consuming emotion, within and without).

This coffee stain just maps a dark circle. 

:D Yes, some stains are just that!

so far its voiceless shadow only mimes pain.

Do you need voiceless?

Do you have any areas of concern in the poem?

cheers

Phil

AlienFlower
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Re: Splinter

Post by AlienFlower » Mon May 10, 2021 5:45 am

I liked this very much, Dave, and told you so last night in a post that seems to have gone walkabout. (Did I really forget to click on SUBMIT?  GRRRR!)

I especially like the inexorable onward movement you have going here and I like that we don't find out what happens. The repetition of let at the end works beautifully, inviting it in—reminds me of a favorite poem of mine, Jane Kenyon's "Let Evening Come."

You might lose the repetition of edge.

Enjoyed!
Jackie

 

Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: Splinter

Post by Dave » Mon May 10, 2021 12:17 pm

Thanks for the generous and very useful comments. Yes Phil, I could and should lose voiceless, it was more less there to keep line length. Not sure what you mean by the 'm' though. I have no special concerns. Voiceless was one and maybe whether there is a bettee ending than the declarative anger at the end. The cliche´of family and table was a risk I needed to take.
Thanks AlienFlower. I totally agree about edge - had overlooked it. Will catch up on Jane Kenyon, don't know it.

Thanks too Colm, glad you liked the poem.

Been a slow start after NAPO

Matty11
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Joined: Thu Jan 11, 2018 7:58 pm

Re: Splinter

Post by Matty11 » Mon May 10, 2021 2:07 pm

I thought you were using a soundscape to convey restraint:

milky mimes marbled meals moment memory maps

 
 
I liked the ending for its open endedness :)

indar
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Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 8:00 am

Re: Splinter

Post by indar » Wed May 12, 2021 2:47 pm

I liked the ending idea of "letting" the anger flow. I have found many occasions to quote one of my favorite sayings that I made up: "anger covers hurt". The splinter, the delayed realization of being emotionally hurt, the remedy of further opening the wound (ouch) to let the anger flow is a spot on analogy to my read. Thank you.

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