Absentee Dad (revision2)

Matty11 · Post by **Matty11** » Thu Feb 15, 2018 2:30 pm

revision2

A pumpkin hung from our fruit tree:
no nose, a toothless grin, no ears.

The pumpkin head kindled my fears -
mum plugged his eyes with plums for me.

revision

A pumpkin hung from our fruit tree:
no nose, a toothless grin, no ears.

The pumpkin head wetted my fears -
mum plugged his eyes with plums for me.

original

A pumpkin hung from our fruit tree:
no nose, a toothless grin, no ears.

The pumpkin head sought out my fears -
mum plugged his eyes with plums for me.

Post by **Amie** » Fri Feb 16, 2018 5:17 am

I like the first two lines. Enigmatic, interesting image.

Line three seems a little strained, the pumpkin head doesn't seem to have done anything to deserve the anthropomorphism....

I like the ending, but overall there's not quite enough in the four lines for it to really zing for me. Sorting out line 3 might help.

Dave · Post by **Dave** » Fri Feb 16, 2018 7:40 am

While i can see where Amy is coming from. The alternative would be to cut the first 2 lines which basically act as scene setting even though it is only a 4 line. Besides for me the description is a bit coventional. How else should a pumpkin head look? The behaviour of those who put it there is more enigmatic and the mother's response. Why not take it down if it scares the child?
Definitely an oddity

Matty11 · Post by **Matty11** » Fri Feb 16, 2018 9:01 pm

Thanks Amie and Dave. I've tried a more active verb for L3.

best

matty

Post by **indar** » Sat Feb 17, 2018 5:46 pm

Dave brought up the very questions that occurred to me. But maybe the pumpkin was someone else's project
and mom could only render it harmless. If that's the case I suggest including that information somehow.

I suppose brevity is the object of this poem but I also want more about the fear---especially if, as I am guessing, that pumpkin was the first frightening apparition the child had encountered and there fear was born. "wetted" still doesn't seem to do it. It's a good little snip of life to contemplate.

<---scary face

Post by **Tracy Mitchell** » Sat Feb 17, 2018 6:50 pm

Don't know if it's a culture thing, but I am lost as a lamb in the fog. Who hangs a pumpkin in a tree? & why would anyone do such a thing? Why didn't Mum drop that sucker with the swing of rake handle? [the pumpkin, not the Narrator].

Sorry Matty, Phil, I usually don't have this problem with your writing. I got nothing.

Cheers.

T

Matty11 · Post by **Matty11** » Sun Feb 18, 2018 2:58 am

Thanks Indar and Tracy. I like your idea of birthing fear Indar and so I have used a word I had in one of my many versions of this poem.

Appreciate all the comments, though surprised no one picked up on the his.

best

matty

Janet · Post by **Janet** » Sun Feb 18, 2018 9:16 am

Hi Matty- my favorite part is mum plugging the pumpkins eyes with plums. I just need more to make me care about that. If his is important, how about you tell us more about who that is?

Post by **indar** » Sun Feb 18, 2018 10:07 am

I agree we need to know more about "his"--I assumed the N saw the pumpkin as a fearsome human form. I think that would be the way it would be read by most. But now, because of your comment, I wonder if we are talking about a pumpkin or if, in looking back, an adult has transformed something more sinister into a pumpkin as a way of dealing with an even greater traumatic experience. Terseness would be appropriate but we do need more.

Post by **Tracy Mitchell** » Sun Feb 18, 2018 10:08 am

I have been struck with the visual of plums in a pumpkin, but haven't known what to make of it.

Thanks for the "his" clue. Even with a clue, sadly, I remain clueless.

So here is a stab-- is the pumpkin head only appearing to the young N as being in the tree - like the tree is background. Is the pumpkin head actually the visual image to the child of an abusive adult? It the protective mum fighting back the abusive adult by reddening/blackening his eyes? That's all I got.

Cheers.

T

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