Before I Summon the Eagle

[Amie]

The revision has lost the dreaminess... it's a good poem, but seems a completely different one to me.

[Dave]

I like this a lot but version 1 is vastly superior to verson 2
Dave
 

[Amie]

Yes, I prefer rev 1. I was envisaging small tweaks to the rhythm rather than complete re-writing.

The second poem is good too, but I do like the first one better.

[Janet]

Thanks so much for the helpful feedback. I see what you mean. Good learning moment.

[indar]

The next day I summon an eagle,
grow feathers on my breast. 

I am ready.

For the most part I join with the others who prefer the original but like the summoning at the end. Here is my suggestion for what its worth:

That night I summon my eagle
grow breast-feather resolution.

I am ready for tomorrow.

Love the poem   Eagle totem.

 

[Tim J Brennan]

Thanks so much for the helpful feedback. I see what you mean. Good learning moment.

just pointing out that aside from a few nits, I loved the original     I do like the "I" in the last S moved down to the last line.  

Edit boards are nice. Necessary, sometimes. But don't lose your identity. 

[Sharon Leigh]

Echoing the praise for this. Ending is sublime. Very much enjoyed

[Janet]

Thank you Linda, Tim and Sharon!

[Colm Roe]

Hi Janet,
Lots to like here. I think you finish it very well, and am eagerly waiting to read how she deals with the 'head'.
There are so many ways you could write this. If it was mine (not suggesting you should change it so) I'd do it like this.

The department head
broad shouldered and confident 
doesn't have to say “I am better than you.” 
 
He’s talking space as he paces out
where his corner office will be.
I want to scream
"Hey, we were here first" 

but I am vapour, 
easy to ignore. 

His dreams draw lines on the carpet,
as mine drape shadows. 

Tomorrow I'll be ready,
I'll grown feathers on my breast

and summon the eagle.
 

[Matty11]

Before I Summon the Eagle

The tall, bespectacled department head
with broad shoulders and a confident gait
wouldn't say, “I am better than you.” 
Nonetheless.......................................the body language says it!

He’s talking space when he paces where...ike the space/pace...the use of measure
the walls, t.v. and his corner office will be. 
We were here 

first is not an argument a grown
woman can make. I am vapor. Soft on.....great use of the feminine labelling
the senses.

Easy to ignore. His dreams draw lines
in the carpet. I want to throw shadows. 
By morning

I've grown feathers on my breast. I
am ready.

A definite wow on the concluding image, but the dreams/shadows is pretty good too!

Nicely encapsulated.

matty