Bird Steps

[mfwilkie]

Just thinking about the title, Tim. Could there be another?  Mags

[Tim J Brennan]

Just thinking about the title, Tim. Could there be another?  Mags

I always thought "Gone W/the Wind" could use a different title  

[Tim J Brennan]

Tim, I suggest a change in numbering and form.

I love N's tone, and his POV. And it's paced beautifully. Reminds me of Milner's excellent pacing.

I made suggested changes in the body of the draft, Tim. Toss what you can't find a use for.  Maggie


i.

Her voice enters the room 
before she does,
followed by her body 
and lastly, a small puff of smoke.
 
I knew her once thirty-five years ago, 
blindspots and all that hair.

ii.
I wake to the sound of rain,
the scent of wet grass and darkness.

The world is at peace this hour. 
There is nothing to see, but I hear
a few birds, a small choir, begin
to proclaim ownership of the yard.
 
I close my eyes, wait for a dispute, 
but sink back into my dream 
until my eyes open, clear and sharp. 

iii.
Night cracks, leaving tiny pores of light
like little peepholes. Crumbs of grey
float downward, out of sight. 

iv.
This is a poem, a lie so precise
it is distorted with/by truth.

There is nothing barer than bare truth
and only a conjurer can bring this world
nearer to sure than listening to the sound
of rain,  the sound of her footsteps before
she enters the room.   

Thanks, maggie.  You are a charm. Now you're even rewriting my numbering systems       Crazy...
 

[mfwilkie]

Not a chance, Tim...just suggesting you do.                            

What I loved about it was the consistency of tone.
Reminded me of Milner's control in his poems.

Maggie

 

[Tim J Brennan]

Not a chance, Tim...just suggesting you do.                            

What I loved about it was the consistency of tone.
Reminded me of Milner's control in his poems.

Maggie

 

If you ever get around to telling me why you suggest things (other than your standard because I just "know" these things), let me know.  

I've only read three Milner poems in my life. His name shows up on early PC Featured PC poems sometimes. Thanks for saying so.    

[Colm Roe]

My mind tends to fly to all directions looking for a poet's real intention.
I can read this several ways (as I do). Initially the N's partner was a bitch.
Then (after the final S) you just used her as material for the poem; not meaning what you said.
I've landed on her being a beloved, but dead partner. 
Either way, I read three excellent poems.
My only suggestion would be to remove this line.

Her voice enters the room 
before she does,
followed by her body  The way I read this S it's repeating the 2nd line?

Use or ignore.
I really enjoyed the read.    
 

[Janet]

Hi Tim,

What I enjoyed most was the bookend effect of the woman entering the room. Part of the poem's success is the intrigue about the woman who has N's attention.

My only nit would be your stating "this is a poem" (took me out of the poem), instead leading in with, "This is a lie so precise...".

I love the hints you leave in S2- the birds taking ownership of the yard followed by N waiting for the dispute.

It seems N recognizes the inconsistencies within himself- how he lies to himself which I believe we can all relate to.

Enjoyed the read. Thank you.

 

[Tim J Brennan]

My mind tends to fly to all directions looking for a poet's real intention.
I can read this several ways (as I do). Initially the N's partner was a bitch.
Then (after the final S) you just used her as material for the poem; not meaning what you said.
I've landed on her being a beloved, but dead partner. 
Either way, I read three excellent poems.
My only suggestion would be to remove this line.

Her voice enters the room 
before she does,
followed by her body  The way I read this S it's repeating the 2nd line?

Use or ignore.
I really enjoyed the read.    
 

I love your interpretation(s), Colm.  I am happy w/any of them. Am thrilled to death w/three of them.  Thank you.

Was working for the "echo" effect of the bird song w/the voice entering.  I often "hear" the birds before I actually "see" them.  But I can see your logic.  And I agree w/it.  Thanks for this also.   
 

[Tim J Brennan]

Hi Tim,

What I enjoyed most was the bookend effect of the woman entering the room. Part of the poem's success is the intrigue about the woman who has N's attention.

My only nit would be your stating "this is a poem" (took me out of the poem), instead leading in with, "This is a lie so precise...".

I love the hints you leave in S2- the birds taking ownership of the yard followed by N waiting for the dispute.

It seems N recognizes the inconsistencies within himself- how he lies to himself which I believe we can all relate to.

Enjoyed the read. Thank you.

Appreciate your look and suggestion on "this is a poem"...again, see my rational to Colm about the echo effect.  It might not be worth saving. I edited a bit to remove both of these.  

Am glad you enjoyed the read.

Birds do indeed "own" the yard...that's a nice way of saying it.  I had to take down a HUGE elm tree a couple of years ago. My male cardinal used it exclusively as his warbling station as it was the highest point in the area and that's where cardinals go for their evening song. It has since moved on to someone else's yard now.

I made one more minor edit to last line (e.g. "bird steps"  from foot steps.  Too much?