The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

Dave wrote: ↑

Thu Sep 27, 2018 11:13 am

For me Indar's last comment sums up the poem well. It is very nice. It is well writing but let me cold. Its too unreal for my taste, which would hardly be your fault.

"Well writing"?

Generally, rhyming couplets are frowned upon as "so yesterday" as is the rep at the end of each stanza. Often the language becomes forced in order to make it rhyme. What I intended to say is in this poem both devices are very effective in summoning up a type of prayer. The actual language, concepts...

Also, the generic title "Falling" doesn't help the poem. There is something to be said about foreshadowing. Let the title hint at what is to come. Let it sell the poem without giving away too much.

I think this poem is bogged down by abstractions and clichés. It feels inaccessible to me.

In other words, don't just tell me the sky is a glimmer of hope. Describe the sky, and let me figure it out.

 

I like this. My great aunt often said a night prayer with me: Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord my soul to keep if I should die before I wake I pray the Lord my soul to take I remember it. A potentially terrifying prayer for a young child, I think. The simple cadence and repetition in your...

Save me from the ghettos of the faithless and devout. Distance me from secrets I’m afraid of getting out. Stop me short of justifying anarchy with grace. Take me to a higher place.   Render me in pencil in your cosmic dossier. Fashion me some armored shoes -- my feet are made of clay; make me steal...

I like the revised version very much, especially S3. 

Shouldn't it read "into a new season"? 

I like the original version better, yellow roses especially, though I wonder why you chose not to use an article in S1 (i.e. a chair) but chose to use them in S2, 3, and 5. In such a minimalistic piece, such an inconsistency really stands out. I must admit I am not familiar with the phrase "footie m...

I was going to play the so-called "poetic license" card. Though the word "hours" is actually one syllable, I always feel tempted to read it as "ow-ers". I gave in to the formal pronunciation. I wasn't aware there being a formal position on this.  Dictionaries which I consulted give both, though mon...

Matty, Dave, and Mark..I appreciate your comments.