The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

Heidi,

Hello. It's great to see. Dabble, yes, dabble!

Welcome!

Dream Girl   I'm not the daughter she wanted and cannot fulfill her hopes, her dreams but I'm the son she's got whether she likes me or not.  I cannot fulfill her hopeless dreams of tinkling laughter and swirling skirts. Whether she likes it or not my voice enchants the fairer sex.  Their tinkling ...

Thanks. Already had some trimming in the works. You guys solidified much of it. I'll be be at it.

Linda,

I was rereading your comments. I wrote this some time before the LV shooting, but the poem definitely conflates these events. I need to re-examine the content. Thanks again for the much needed help.

Was she on the same boat as a bomber?

would that help?

Thanks guys! I'll work on it.

Phil, your idea for the open is perfect.

Sharon, yours it a bit scarier, not that I disagree, but I'm not sure how to get there. Maybe another stanza?

God, you write so well, it makes me jealous. minor suggestions, offer timidly: I meet him where the salt marsh sucks the earth, a silver day of rain, no tourists. We are peach against the livid sawgrass his eyes ] I'd drop "livid" A minor sacrifice of sense for sound, again a timid suggestion. Nice ...

Phil,

There are so many great lines in this poem and S2 is a standout among gems. We need some clunkers to pick on. This one doesn't qualify.

If I were to suggest anything it would be to drop "perfect" from the last line. A 10 is perfect, and the shorter line would give it a bit more punch.

Marc

Can't add much that hasn't been said. I like this very much. I agree with Linda, on "empty, eye". You lose the subtle hammer fall, of the brief pause, but the change would contribute to the overall poem and retain a very pleasant sound to that line.

Cool stuff! I love the closing line. putting on my critics hat it's more subtle in sound that I'm used to from reading your work. Not a bad thing, just something I noticed. But since by inclination, I'd turn every poem into a damn nursery rhyme, take that with a huge grain of salt. Nice poeming (the...

Sharon,

This is indeed a mild rework of that PLSP posting. You have the sense right. It's not serious piece. I just like some of the wording.

BTW: TOM, we need that thread here. PLSP was a godsend. When the group of us hit a groove good things happened. Where is Sio!