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revision2 A pumpkin hung from our fruit tree: no nose, a toothless grin, no ears. The pumpkin head kindled my fears  - mum plugged his eyes with plums for me. revision A pumpkin hung from our fruit tree: no nose, a toothless grin, no ears. The pumpkin head wetted my fears  - mum plugged his eyes wi...

Excellent revision

It certainly suggests ground cracked from drought.

Thanks Indar. Yes, they were in there!

cheers

matty

He secretly rewired the lightsin the laundry room.

Probably me, but I wondered if there was a hint of a darker intent there? Or perhaps they can't afford the wants, but labour for each other as best they can - giving their time. Either way enjoyed the realities of the domestics.

Perhaps the title is forcing too much Dave? Needs to be a bit more sly. Perhaps that is true of the poem too. Egged on Mary laughs at Jamie's jokes once a month. A slight name change I know, but coupling Mary/Jamie sound wise? Her husband atop a wave of sexual euphoria                               ...

Tracy Mitchell wrote: ↑

Sun Feb 11, 2018 2:22 pm

I like the re-write, especially the good enjambments in S.1, and the surprising wildebeest fidget.

T

I liked the fidget too, Will use it in another poem.

cheers

matty

Hi Matty, For me this is all metaphor, it's about alcohol , not water. Both versions (and interps) read equally well, and I can't choose between either. I enjoyed the reads. Thanks for sharing.    Thanks Colm. You are the only one to pick up on that thread. I have in fact axed S1 completely and lef...

Tracing the Wild Atlantic Way,

I agree with Tracy on that opening option. Either way enjoyed both poems.

best

matty

The observational perspective works for making a judgement- distance giving an authoritative tone. Even convinced me on the waiter. Typo capitalisation in L2.

best

Phil

Hi Matty I like the revision. Still would prefer another title. Poor old Africa doomed to be a continent without countries. Dave   Yes, I know the point you were making Dave. The individual had travel to several countries - Rwanda, Kenya, Tanzania, Botswana, Nambia and South Africa. 'I went to Afri...