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- Sun Dec 30, 2018 7:15 am
- Forum: Post Your Poems
- Topic: Her Incidental Garden
- Replies: 11
- Views: 8220
Re: Her Incidental Garden
Hi Marc - What nice poem. I really like the craftsmanship evident in the lines. My two cents is replace your title with "She Deserves More Credit", and then cut the first line. The second line seems a more interesting line with which to launch the poem. As always, use or lose. T What an elegant sol...
- Fri Dec 28, 2018 1:38 pm
- Forum: Post Your Poems
- Topic: There is Evening and There is Morning
- Replies: 7
- Views: 5012
Re: There is Evening and There is Morning
Most enjoyable. The Breaks in S4 & S5 nag at me a bit, but no real idea why.
- Fri Dec 28, 2018 1:33 pm
- Forum: Post Your Poems
- Topic: And on it goes
- Replies: 15
- Views: 9684
Re: And on it goes
I like this one a lot and love the 3rd stanza. Couple minor suggestions: every night they're there. I should have risen higher, in those thousands of years I should have learned enough to lift, but here I still stand. -> still is implied and more importantly it softens the sound of the line when th...
- Tue Dec 25, 2018 9:27 am
- Forum: Post Your Poems
- Topic: Bath
- Replies: 6
- Views: 4666
Re: Bath
The image is cool but takes some work to realize. It's not until the final line that poem falls into place. Suggest opening the poem on the last three lines starting with "Curls of stone". You can bring the observant rams in after.
Just a thought,
Marc
Just a thought,
Marc
- Sun Dec 23, 2018 5:35 pm
- Forum: Post Your Poems
- Topic: Fragments of You & a Glass of Pinot (11:38 pm)
- Replies: 12
- Views: 8416
Re: Fragments of You & a Glass of Pinot (11:38 pm)
The opening stanza feels like a false start. The poem develops nicely thereafter. Also, recommend chucking a couple gerunds to give the verbs in stanzas 2 & 3 a little more oomph: much like single words bear ing abstract ideas, or how memories reflect on a mid-December evening and blendi ng like cry...
- Sun Dec 23, 2018 5:27 pm
- Forum: Post Your Poems
- Topic: This Poem
- Replies: 2
- Views: 2390
Re: This Poem
Very enjoyable read. The only things that stand out to me are the direct judgments or statements from the narrator to the poem: "to hell with this poem" "up yours, this poem" In contrast, the line, "this poem shoots blanks" is so strong and fitting. Could see making the "to hell..." line as the last...
- Sun Dec 23, 2018 5:21 pm
- Forum: Post Your Poems
- Topic: Her Incidental Garden
- Replies: 11
- Views: 8220
Re: Her Incidental Garden
Thanks Tim,
Here's a minor revision:
She deserves more credit than I give her.
Day in, day out,
she minds and tends her garden—
green things and pink,
slow to sprout and blossom.
Time proves no deterrent,
nor sweat a burden.
The effort seems an end,
the outcome incidental.
Here's a minor revision:
She deserves more credit than I give her.
Day in, day out,
she minds and tends her garden—
green things and pink,
slow to sprout and blossom.
Time proves no deterrent,
nor sweat a burden.
The effort seems an end,
the outcome incidental.
- Sat Dec 22, 2018 3:37 pm
- Forum: The Commons
- Topic: Site Update
- Replies: 5
- Views: 12564
Re: Site Update
I'm not sure what browser you're using or why it's displaying the warning. the site is "not secure" in the sense that it does not use an SSL certificate. These are mostly for e-commerce and banking sites. If you are hitting the site via https - then i could see you getting a warning, but you shouldn...
- Wed Dec 19, 2018 2:19 pm
- Forum: Post Your Poems
- Topic: Walking at Night
- Replies: 7
- Views: 5179
Re: Walking at Night
I really like the first stanza but it renders the rest of the poem (and all you find / realize about the stars & ancestors & all the rest) rather moot in my mind. Another way to say all you DO find? Thanks, Tim. I appreciate and understand the feedback. I wish I could argue, but I'll be damned if i...
- Wed Dec 19, 2018 5:49 am
- Forum: Post Your Poems
- Topic: Walking at Night
- Replies: 7
- Views: 5179
Re: Walking at Night
Thanks all!