The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

Thanks Colm. May use that word dangled and expand in a free verse format, though I quite like the restrictive formal elements - restraint reflects the buttoned down emotion.

best

Matty

Framed by frozen leaves of trees Whose icy boughs glisten against the Stygian sky, leaves/trees/boughs and frozen/icy/glisten: how much duplicates? how much can be trimmed? Framed by frozen leaves these boughs glisten against the Stygian sky The edit conveys the cold tree? Just a thought. best matty

Thanks for that prompt Janet, and thank you Tracy and Indar for taking another look. I've worked the title a bit more. Probably put this one in a draw for a while.

best

matty/phil

Before I Summon the Eagle The tall, bespectacled department head with broad shoulders and a confident gait wouldn't say, “I am better than you.”  Nonetheless.......................................the body language says it! He’s talking space when he paces where...ike the space/pace...the use of mea...

February Last July, I think it was, no, wait,  the July before--  isn't this the way things go?  It seems just yesterday was the day they collected garbage, ....love the significance detail yet here we are again-- trucks rumbling in the street. ....like the trigger What was I saying?  Oh, July,  th...

The salmon swims past
wonders what's on land.
How can I convey,
he'll know if he dies?

..........perhaps reverse the word order for the irony focus? You could condense the poem to the central question?
 
Hope that helps some

Best

Matty

Thanks Indar and Tracy. I like your idea of birthing fear Indar and so I have used a word I had in one of my many versions of this poem.

Appreciate all the comments, though surprised no one picked up on the his.

best

matty

Thanks Amie and Dave. I've tried a more active verb for L3.

best

matty

My oldest son leans against his truck after supper. Lovely opening. Really like the 'leans against' - sets the tone. that come and go and come and go The dangling conjunction I'm not sure about, feels mechanical ( come makes an appearance in S3 as well, liked the caught/taught echo). I did like the...

The trick is light-touch steering, just enough and the road will take you. I like that 'give yourself up to' feel - an inclusion of the reader as well as N. I thought your poem conveyed a true sense of the experience. your ship of running steel - found that strained for poetic effect and took me ou...