The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

Hi Janet, interesting transformation poem. I thought while reading that I'd like more of you and less of him. I've selected the lines that might achieve that, not an edit just an experiment. The tall, bespectacled department head wouldn't say, “I am better than you.”  Nonetheless.   He’s talking spa...

Hi Sharon, you've already had lots of suggestions but I thought I'd highlight what works for me, if that helps. To answer your question, yes I think the poem is a little too abstract. rows of cast-offs, arranged by color, size: softened with wear faded, stretched, bleached where bodies filled and fi...

Thanks Indar, for spotting the mistake, ''family help'' should be ''family helps'' I originally wrote ''we help'' and when I made the change to ''family'' forgot to change ''help''.

Pam worked two jobs to pay a mortgage; she raised six children and planted a rose garden. Her husband kept racing pigeons; he gambled while the rain gutters overflowed with weeds. The bank takes the house. Family helps carry furniture out, dig up roses, take down curtains; they drink milky tea, eat ...

Hi, the subject here interests me but the whole poem lacks focus I thought (sounds harsh now I say it) but it's my honest reaction. I would write another version of this starting with the horse you didn't care for properly, this seems to be what haunts you all through this, a fear that you might be ...

Marc Gilbert wrote: ↑

Thu Jan 25, 2018 8:39 pm

—
Backspace, backspace, 
Damn it! Delete!

Everything I do is abstraction

The world outside
is white noise 
in ears long trained
to seek silence

Hi Marc, these parts jump out at me, not a suggested edit, just what I see.
 

Imaginatively written I thought, and the title opens the poem up, makes us wonder if this man is imaginary or real. I would cut that last line and end at ''storms pile at his fair isle shoulder.''

Tracy sent me an invite so here I am, hi. What I'm looking for here is exciting poetry and prose, writing I can sink my teeth into; and I hope we can inspire one another.