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by Matty11
Mon Jan 20, 2020 4:03 am
Forum: Post Your Poems
Topic: Apprentice
Replies: 6
Views: 136

Re: Apprentice

Enjoyed Colm, can't say I'm really get to the heart of it, but I'm picking up on the awareness and vulnerability. Learning again because of these new challenges.

best

Phil
by Matty11
Sat Jan 18, 2020 3:35 am
Forum: Post Your Poems
Topic: A poem that lost its voice
Replies: 5
Views: 130

Re: A poem that lost its voice

Thanks Trish, Sharon, Colm and T.

S.2 L.1 -- delete "the"?

Agreed T. Thanks for that.

cheers

phil
by Matty11
Sat Jan 18, 2020 3:24 am
Forum: Post Your Poems
Topic: what the x-ray revealed
Replies: 5
Views: 89

Re: what the x-ray revealed

Like the ironic use of enlightenment Dave and the update to Roman glory which adds another layer of 'lie'. The blunt offence in the original worked for me. Possible option - Where the sun sets, Western enlightenment bathes Jesus's 16th century satins in a warm glow, what we can't see is his Jewish n...
by Matty11
Sat Jan 18, 2020 2:48 am
Forum: Post Your Poems
Topic: Island Fiction
Replies: 18
Views: 377

Re: Island Fiction

Thank you Tim and Linda. I am hearing the voice of an elderly woman (hands clawed from age) Great, pleased that one worked. drunk gulls doing a little Rock 'n' Roll (which is how I would write it if that is indeed what you I like that suggestion. I feel another edit coming :) all the best Phil
by Matty11
Fri Jan 17, 2020 8:43 am
Forum: Post Your Poems
Topic: Island Fiction
Replies: 18
Views: 377

Re: Island Fiction

Thanks for coming back Trish. I'll have a ponder, though the expression is that of the speaker and pitches her 'comfort habit'.

best

Phil
by Matty11
Fri Jan 17, 2020 5:24 am
Forum: Post Your Poems
Topic: Aspen Sisters
Replies: 6
Views: 120

Re: Aspen Sisters

Yes, lovely write T. So heart-warming I feel you could cut from the separateness of observatonal simile to direct metaphor: Their strawberry blonde hair swirled when they were together, as if it were a single burgeoning mass of leaves. The way each stood straight and tall their entire lives, they se...
by Matty11
Fri Jan 17, 2020 4:32 am
Forum: Post Your Poems
Topic: Island Fiction
Replies: 18
Views: 377

Re: Island Fiction

Thanks P, Sharon, Dave and Trish. Pleased you all found something in this attempt. I could murder a cuppa, I found a little over-familiar The intention was to convey the mundane, though there was a clearer intent to suggest repressed emotions in another version I have so perhaps it is a bit of a lef...
by Matty11
Fri Jan 17, 2020 4:20 am
Forum: Post Your Poems
Topic: Big Orange Sun
Replies: 12
Views: 135

Re: Big Orange Sun

hi Trish, I like the ambition in the imagery, but I'm not quite connecting to the theme. The 'drudgery' listed is rejected for a more 'ardent' life, but then 'serenity' is the opening image? Even the ardent cadavers cemented under glass: entwined lovers, frightened horse, chained dog, have more life...
by Matty11
Wed Jan 15, 2020 8:34 am
Forum: Post Your Poems
Topic: Island Fiction
Replies: 18
Views: 377

Re: Island Fiction

Thanks for the thumbs up on that G. I wanted that one to work to contrast with the 'binding' of knitting.

best

Phil
by Matty11
Tue Jan 14, 2020 4:34 am
Forum: Post Your Poems
Topic: A poem that lost its voice
Replies: 5
Views: 130

A poem that lost its voice

is mouthing on a hook
cast into the pond

where pike swallow
each other

with abstract
appetites

=======================

(revision: replaced unreasoning with abstract) and removed the in L3