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by Dave
Sat Jan 25, 2020 8:58 am
Forum: Post Your Poems
Topic: what the x-ray revealed
Replies: 5
Views: 87

Re: what the x-ray revealed

Thanks for the comments. Just to be clear, it was not a shroud but a painting and the image of Jesus with a 'Jewish nose' was indeed painted over to make him a middle European. Can't remember the painter but was one of those classic ones.
Dave
 
by Dave
Thu Jan 16, 2020 10:13 pm
Forum: Post Your Poems
Topic: Big Orange Sun
Replies: 12
Views: 134

Re: Big Orange Sun

The years disappear in L3 S2 says largely the same thing as the years slipping by just with other words but adds nothing really new.
by Dave
Thu Jan 16, 2020 10:11 pm
Forum: Post Your Poems
Topic: Glove Box
Replies: 12
Views: 218

Re: Glove Box

It is not so important but the second stanza is this: all the orange peels tossed from her window, your own nostrils sweetened from the smell of her— surely if you say from her window, your nostrils sweetened ... the sense remains the same thus the word own is largely redundant. However, like a punc...
by Dave
Thu Jan 16, 2020 10:02 pm
Forum: Post Your Poems
Topic: what the x-ray revealed
Replies: 5
Views: 87

Re: what the x-ray revealed

Thanks Trish and fully agree with your comments on the last line
Dave
by Dave
Thu Jan 16, 2020 7:37 pm
Forum: Post Your Poems
Topic: what the x-ray revealed
Replies: 5
Views: 87

what the x-ray revealed

Original Where the sun sets, Western enlightenment   bathes Jesus's 16th century satins in a warm glow,   what we can't see is his Jewish nose beneath  the perfectly rendered lies. Yet it is there, an offence to the new and the rules of art.  Revision Where the sun sets, Western enlightenment   bat...
by Dave
Thu Jan 16, 2020 7:03 pm
Forum: Post Your Poems
Topic: Island Fiction
Replies: 18
Views: 370

Re: Island Fiction

Visually strong and beautiful use of sound and tone.
Dave
 
by Dave
Thu Jan 16, 2020 7:01 pm
Forum: Post Your Poems
Topic: Big Orange Sun
Replies: 12
Views: 134

Re: Big Orange Sun

Hey Trish I enjoyed this though I think it is a tad dramatic and the theme is not new. The poem takes a fresh look at it. Line one and the first half of line 3 in stanza 2 replicate each other, the first being better than the second but neither truly working well with bread crumbs in the rain since ...
by Dave
Thu Jan 16, 2020 6:57 pm
Forum: Post Your Poems
Topic: Glove Box
Replies: 12
Views: 218

Re: Glove Box

Hey Tim,
My bad - I meant this use of own - , your own nostrils - 
 
by Dave
Thu Jan 16, 2020 6:55 pm
Forum: Post Your Poems
Topic: Neighbors
Replies: 12
Views: 178

Re: Neighbors

Hey Tim 
By the way, strictly speaking this syntax is misleading since it implies that the door is haunted - He, skeletal, robed, moves to a door almost
haunted,...
Dave
by Dave
Tue Jan 14, 2020 8:15 pm
Forum: Post Your Poems
Topic: Bodies
Replies: 13
Views: 402

Re: Bodies

Thanks everyone - Colm, Deb and Sharon.